I have been fighting against the urges to hurt myself for five years now. Some days, the fight is easy, I sometimes even forget the urges for a moment, and then something happens, my mood swings, I feel the boiling ball of ravaging emotions growing in my stomach, pushing, bouncing, sometimes even getting stuck in my throat, trying desperately to get out, pressuring my lungs and making my tears wet my eyes, threatening to run down my cheeks but never freed. At this point, I know that cutting myself would stop my pain, release the tension and end the crisis.
But I can’t; giving in to the temptation would only make things worse. People don’t understand, it hurts them, and the blame would only create a new ball of emotions. So I wait, I try to calm myself, to focus on something long enough so that the storm inside of me fades away. It hard, long and painful, but in the end, it’s worth it.
Why am I so weak? Why can’t I cope like everybody else around me?
Sometimes even I don’t understand why it is so hard not to harm myself, and then I remember that sometimes it’s almost unbearable to let the huge wave of emotions flow through me.
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